A New Year

I've been trying to think of what the new year means to me. 

I think I've come up with a few things.

It means working harder on the band

and

working harder on myself.

It's easy to say these words and come up with plans than to put them in action. 

For example, I have been saying "I should really do more yoga" and yet I never do.

So why not use this end of the year day for a new beginning like it's meant to be used and actually DO IT.

I feel like 2013 will bring lots of exciting things. I've never thought that before. A new year meant nothing really to me, just another day. But this time, there are changes that are happening and that will actually make me work my butt off. 

Plans are being made for the band to tour alot more, going to Richmond and New York City again, and then to Europe in May.

Yes, money will be a struggle, like it always is, but we'll find a way to make rent. 

It's time to fully focus on the important things then live a life that is unsatisfying.

We just recently got back from NYC. I was visiting my family for the holidays and had a wonderful time. I've missed my family a lot, and it was really hard to leave (I started crying in the car ride back to pittsburgh), but now I know we will be back, especially since we already booked a show there in February! 

It was great to be back in a place where you don't need a car, and the energy is high.

A few shots I took while walking around. The last one was from our walk on the High Line. It was cold and rainy, but it was worth it.

I also went to my absolutely favorite restaurant down on West 4th St called Red Bamboo. I've never not gone here when I visit. It's an all vegan restaurant. I got the Voodoo Sticks, rice, vegetables, and seitan beef. Delicious.

I leave you with the behind of my sister. 

I hope everyone has a great new years and starts off the new years right, what ever that means for you!

Strange But Old

Sometimes you wake up and you just feel old and tired. I put on Father John Misty and lay there staring at the ceiling.  I know this ceiling well. I've memorized its attitude and it knows more about me than anything else. 

O, I long to feel your arms around me.

Guy is singing like an angel in a church and spreading positive smiles. And laughing that laugh that is contagious, that laugh that sounds like it's the first funny thing he's ever heard. 

Snow has not reached New York City yet, and I wonder if it has melted in Pittsburgh. 

I wonder if louie is curled up in a blanket on the couch. 

It's Christmas Eve and I feel mellow.

Good Morning.

Change For The Better!

It is difficult to change. The idea of exercising more, eating better, staying positive seems so hard to accomplish, put in practice and keep there. 

For years, I’ve had this defeatist attitude about everything. If something goes wrong, it’s the end of the world. If my body hurts or does something weird, I must be dying, or it will never get better. I’ve been wondering lately why this attitude has stuck with me for so long. You would think through all the loneliness, being made fun of, the fights, the crying and hitting,  the starving, the recovering, the traveling across the country and back, the heat stroke, the bad relationship in Portland, the decision to move to Pittsburgh, I would be a stronger person and have an attitude of I can do whatever the hell I want. Well, to be honest, I lied there, I do think that I am a strong person, she just hides so well out of fear alot of the day. And I do think that, like anyone, I can do what I want. So then, what is holding me back?? The answer is this: fear. Fear of being abandoned is a big one for me. This may explain why I have a hard time in relationships. While I am more of a recluse, I still want that companionship to keep me going. In the past, I have been with destructive people who only fed my destructive behaviors. This time around, I am with someone who is the strongest person that I have ever met. Slowly, no longer am I feeling the need to be completely destructively dependent on someone, because guess what? There’s this weird thing called trust. Which is another emotion I have a hard time with. It could be because people in school made me feel horrible about myself, or the endless cheating of people close to me, all made me feel like I couldn’t/can’t trust anyone. My defeatist attitude says, what did I do wrong? It must have been because of me and my personalty that made these men cheat on me. It must have been how I look that made these people rip me apart with their actions and words, literally and emotionally breaking parts of me. 

Lately I’ve been obsessed with reading blogs. Blogs belonging to beautiful women who are not your average american kind of girl. These women have painful stories and have come out as strong independent women who love thrifty clothing and have amazing DIY craft ideas. I read these blogs, and only wish that I could be like them. And I catch myself thinking, why can’t I? Why am I still letting that girl who went in to my book bag and broke everything, and that same girl who called me fat as I stood on a scale win? I don’t even know where she is, or even care because honestly (and this might sound a little mean, I apologize) but I’m probably doing a hell of a lot better then she is. Even with all my issues, I have a beautiful man in my life, who is in a successful band with me, and who makes me so badly want to change into a stronger better person. He makes me not feel so bad about gaining a little weight for God’s sake haha But it’s not only him that makes me feel this way, though he may have put that positive bug in me, I think it’s also from the plain fact, that I am so tired of being sick and feeling so down and unhealthy. So it’s taking the steps to just get to a better place. 

You know how when you’re in bed and you have to get up to go to work and you really don’t want to? Well that’s how I feel all the time, with everything. Except I want to. I’m just really really exhausted from life..But we’ve made an album that is selling. It makes me feel stronger knowing that little fact. I have to keep reminding myself that I wrote those songs, and that without me, we wouldn’t have this awesome album. That may sound conceited, but you know what, for someone who for years was just hearing hateful words from others and herself, it’s nice to begin to hear nice things, as uncomfortable as they may be. 

Hit So Hard

I thought I had seen all the documentaries on the Grunge era and Nirvana, Hole, Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain, but this one had been hiding from me. 

What a wonderful story of strength. Patty talks about this life of hers that had all these challenges, but she made it out, alive and happy. Her story is definitely one to admire. Female drummer, Recovered alcoholic and  recovered drug addict, Lesbian, and just a lady with a great sense of humor.

I'm so glad I found this. Very inspiring stuff. 

Pfaff

I look amused and strange in the first picture.

But that is beside the point. The point is that this is the first jean jacket I have ever owned. 

I bought it from a thrift store in NYC in the Puerto Rican neighborhood that I grew up in.

Going back to visit family at the end of december. Looking forward (and saving up!) to looking through the thrift stores I have missed :)

I always go back to chopping my hair and making bangs. The one person who will always be my influence for bangs, is Kristen Pfaff. She was beautiful, amazing (not that I knew her, but from my daydreams of meeting her mixed with the interviews I have read, she seems pretty damn amazing) and just all around, someone who I admire greatly.

Secret Confession: I used to daydream that she was my mom.

See you when the sun goes down

~Morgan

Rainy Filming

Today I stood out in the rain, holding a balloon and eating chocolate. The things I do for my band.

We're filming our music video and I couldn't be more excited :)

Though it is raining cats and dogs here (as you can see from the first picture) but living in Pittsburgh, you come to expect that.

Broken Fences

These are old pictures from a shoot my band Broken Fences did a year ago.

My hair is much much longer.

And my boyfriend is much much cuter. Joking! He's always been cuter.

Speaking of which, it is his birthday in two days and I need to get a move on with my plans.

My old man.

Leopard Smile

I've been obsessed with this leopard print hat from Free People.

I love that store (though I wish the prices were cheaper ha) 

But I would fill my closet with everything from it if I could.

Crazy Life

The title refers to me listen to a Toad The Wet Sprocket song called "Crazy Life"

Good song, check it out.

This morning, my band Broken Fences performed at a press conference for Highmark. 

Which is ironic since I don't have insurance.

ANYWAY.

It was all good, and I had my first taste of a roasted chestnut. Interesting.

I thought a lace dress, a striped sweater that looks like I just pulled it out of Kurt Cobains closet, and Little Red Riding Hoods jacket was good to wear today.

Dear World, Don't Hate Tattoos

I wonder if the world will ever change their views on people with tattoos and piercings. 

I hope so, because that's not the issue to focus on. 

The issue is, am I a hard worker? an organizer? a loyal employee? 

So far in my life, no one has ever been insulted by my tattoos or piercings.

So Dear World, please don't hate tattoos

Give benign issues a rest and focus on the real offences 

Anyone wanting to have a conversation, I'm all ears (with three piercings!)

All's In A Night

I have wonderful friends. And a wonderful boyfriend. 

Last night we played a show for the Bundle Up Project charity. 

I was wearing a gold dress. Which I will show you one day soon