It is difficult to change. The idea of exercising more, eating better, staying positive seems so hard to accomplish, put in practice and keep there.
For years, I’ve had this defeatist attitude about everything. If something goes wrong, it’s the end of the world. If my body hurts or does something weird, I must be dying, or it will never get better. I’ve been wondering lately why this attitude has stuck with me for so long. You would think through all the loneliness, being made fun of, the fights, the crying and hitting, the starving, the recovering, the traveling across the country and back, the heat stroke, the bad relationship in Portland, the decision to move to Pittsburgh, I would be a stronger person and have an attitude of I can do whatever the hell I want. Well, to be honest, I lied there, I do think that I am a strong person, she just hides so well out of fear alot of the day. And I do think that, like anyone, I can do what I want. So then, what is holding me back?? The answer is this: fear. Fear of being abandoned is a big one for me. This may explain why I have a hard time in relationships. While I am more of a recluse, I still want that companionship to keep me going. In the past, I have been with destructive people who only fed my destructive behaviors. This time around, I am with someone who is the strongest person that I have ever met. Slowly, no longer am I feeling the need to be completely destructively dependent on someone, because guess what? There’s this weird thing called trust. Which is another emotion I have a hard time with. It could be because people in school made me feel horrible about myself, or the endless cheating of people close to me, all made me feel like I couldn’t/can’t trust anyone. My defeatist attitude says, what did I do wrong? It must have been because of me and my personalty that made these men cheat on me. It must have been how I look that made these people rip me apart with their actions and words, literally and emotionally breaking parts of me.
Lately I’ve been obsessed with reading blogs. Blogs belonging to beautiful women who are not your average american kind of girl. These women have painful stories and have come out as strong independent women who love thrifty clothing and have amazing DIY craft ideas. I read these blogs, and only wish that I could be like them. And I catch myself thinking, why can’t I? Why am I still letting that girl who went in to my book bag and broke everything, and that same girl who called me fat as I stood on a scale win? I don’t even know where she is, or even care because honestly (and this might sound a little mean, I apologize) but I’m probably doing a hell of a lot better then she is. Even with all my issues, I have a beautiful man in my life, who is in a successful band with me, and who makes me so badly want to change into a stronger better person. He makes me not feel so bad about gaining a little weight for God’s sake haha But it’s not only him that makes me feel this way, though he may have put that positive bug in me, I think it’s also from the plain fact, that I am so tired of being sick and feeling so down and unhealthy. So it’s taking the steps to just get to a better place.
You know how when you’re in bed and you have to get up to go to work and you really don’t want to? Well that’s how I feel all the time, with everything. Except I want to. I’m just really really exhausted from life..But we’ve made an album that is selling. It makes me feel stronger knowing that little fact. I have to keep reminding myself that I wrote those songs, and that without me, we wouldn’t have this awesome album. That may sound conceited, but you know what, for someone who for years was just hearing hateful words from others and herself, it’s nice to begin to hear nice things, as uncomfortable as they may be.