A Story For The Aimless

A few shots from our show a couple of weeks ago. 

It's not easy being a full time musician, but it's worth it, and will continue to prove to be worth it.

The pros are: I get to play music, make my own schedule, travel, be with my best friend, Guy practically all the time.

Cons: Lack of money.

But hopefully that will change. We have been looking into a series of concerts call Concerts In Your Home. When we get shows booked, we will travel more and earn money to live off of. 

Some people may think I'm crazy for choosing this career, but the truth of it is, while I may have made a decision to definitely pursue it,  I did not completely choose this path for myself. 

My dream as a young girl was to be an actress. I wished for someone to notice me and pull me out and make me a star. But that didn't happen.

I sucked at school, paying more attention to self-destruction than grades.

Lost myself, didn't know what I was good at.

Until my crush in middle school was holding a guitar one day, and I was smitten...with the guitar.

I had to have one.

I learned to play.

I started going to open mics. 

I found out I was just good at this. I wasn't/am not good at very much, but this I could do.

I dropped out of film school to go on a tour.

Went all over the country, living in Portland for a bit, tasting the Salt Lake,  driving through the desert.

But then I lost myself very badly again. 

Moved back into my parents house in New York City and completely drowned.

If it wasn't for the few friends I had left, I don't know what path I would have gone on. 

They convinced me to move to Pittsburgh.

And while I was still lost, and my first few months here were lonely and confusing, I slowly made friends.

And found a true friend in Guy.

He's more than my boyfriend, he's my best friend, my confidant, and my bandmate.

We always bounce back after a rough time.

Our band rose to the top, and was announced WYEP's (Pittsburgh's Indie radio station) Band of the Year!

And now I get to play shows with him all over America, and in May, Europe!

Sure it's tough, and when I think back on my life, there are lots of things I regret doing, situations that I should have escaped when I had the chance or if I had had the sense.

Am I completely happy and content now? No. Money worries me endlessly. Worry leads to horrible panic attacks. Panic attacks come from a lifetime of bad situations that I'm trying to figure out.

BUT

I will get there. To complete happiness. Who knows, maybe I'll find it in Berlin or London! 

Or maybe, it's already here.

Corny, yes? Too bad.

I'm finally starting to understand, (and I should probably put it in writing on my ceiling so I can read it every morning) that happiness comes from within ourselves. 

It's extremely hard to do, and I can't tell you how to do it, because I'm just now starting to try it.

Music can help. And that's why I do it.

Arn't you tired of feeling like crap?

Purple Hair Bang Bang

If I ever have money in my life, I would love my hair to be long and purple. There's just something so beautiful about it, it would make me feel like the fairy I've always wanted to be...or superhero haha 

As well as bangs. While they are hard to maintain sometimes and get in eyes very annoyingly, they are fun and worth it.

Good Night

New Years Thinking

I like the idea of making resolutions, but I feel like I have so many that it starts to feel overwhelming. 

I will instead write out what I would like to accomplish in the new year ( at least what I can think of for now!)

~Be less lazy

~Do Yoga

~Live off the band

~Stop comparing myself to others

~Be more adventurous

~Not be so scared

~Find a good stylish backpack for our tour to Europe

~Eat healthier

~Weed out my closet

~Visit my family in NYC more often

That's all I can think of for now, but I'm sure lots more will be thought of.

What are you resolutions? :)

Happy 2013!

A New Year

I've been trying to think of what the new year means to me. 

I think I've come up with a few things.

It means working harder on the band

and

working harder on myself.

It's easy to say these words and come up with plans than to put them in action. 

For example, I have been saying "I should really do more yoga" and yet I never do.

So why not use this end of the year day for a new beginning like it's meant to be used and actually DO IT.

I feel like 2013 will bring lots of exciting things. I've never thought that before. A new year meant nothing really to me, just another day. But this time, there are changes that are happening and that will actually make me work my butt off. 

Plans are being made for the band to tour alot more, going to Richmond and New York City again, and then to Europe in May.

Yes, money will be a struggle, like it always is, but we'll find a way to make rent. 

It's time to fully focus on the important things then live a life that is unsatisfying.

We just recently got back from NYC. I was visiting my family for the holidays and had a wonderful time. I've missed my family a lot, and it was really hard to leave (I started crying in the car ride back to pittsburgh), but now I know we will be back, especially since we already booked a show there in February! 

It was great to be back in a place where you don't need a car, and the energy is high.

A few shots I took while walking around. The last one was from our walk on the High Line. It was cold and rainy, but it was worth it.

I also went to my absolutely favorite restaurant down on West 4th St called Red Bamboo. I've never not gone here when I visit. It's an all vegan restaurant. I got the Voodoo Sticks, rice, vegetables, and seitan beef. Delicious.

I leave you with the behind of my sister. 

I hope everyone has a great new years and starts off the new years right, what ever that means for you!

Strange But Old

Sometimes you wake up and you just feel old and tired. I put on Father John Misty and lay there staring at the ceiling.  I know this ceiling well. I've memorized its attitude and it knows more about me than anything else. 

O, I long to feel your arms around me.

Guy is singing like an angel in a church and spreading positive smiles. And laughing that laugh that is contagious, that laugh that sounds like it's the first funny thing he's ever heard. 

Snow has not reached New York City yet, and I wonder if it has melted in Pittsburgh. 

I wonder if louie is curled up in a blanket on the couch. 

It's Christmas Eve and I feel mellow.

Good Morning.

Change For The Better!

It is difficult to change. The idea of exercising more, eating better, staying positive seems so hard to accomplish, put in practice and keep there. 

For years, I’ve had this defeatist attitude about everything. If something goes wrong, it’s the end of the world. If my body hurts or does something weird, I must be dying, or it will never get better. I’ve been wondering lately why this attitude has stuck with me for so long. You would think through all the loneliness, being made fun of, the fights, the crying and hitting,  the starving, the recovering, the traveling across the country and back, the heat stroke, the bad relationship in Portland, the decision to move to Pittsburgh, I would be a stronger person and have an attitude of I can do whatever the hell I want. Well, to be honest, I lied there, I do think that I am a strong person, she just hides so well out of fear alot of the day. And I do think that, like anyone, I can do what I want. So then, what is holding me back?? The answer is this: fear. Fear of being abandoned is a big one for me. This may explain why I have a hard time in relationships. While I am more of a recluse, I still want that companionship to keep me going. In the past, I have been with destructive people who only fed my destructive behaviors. This time around, I am with someone who is the strongest person that I have ever met. Slowly, no longer am I feeling the need to be completely destructively dependent on someone, because guess what? There’s this weird thing called trust. Which is another emotion I have a hard time with. It could be because people in school made me feel horrible about myself, or the endless cheating of people close to me, all made me feel like I couldn’t/can’t trust anyone. My defeatist attitude says, what did I do wrong? It must have been because of me and my personalty that made these men cheat on me. It must have been how I look that made these people rip me apart with their actions and words, literally and emotionally breaking parts of me. 

Lately I’ve been obsessed with reading blogs. Blogs belonging to beautiful women who are not your average american kind of girl. These women have painful stories and have come out as strong independent women who love thrifty clothing and have amazing DIY craft ideas. I read these blogs, and only wish that I could be like them. And I catch myself thinking, why can’t I? Why am I still letting that girl who went in to my book bag and broke everything, and that same girl who called me fat as I stood on a scale win? I don’t even know where she is, or even care because honestly (and this might sound a little mean, I apologize) but I’m probably doing a hell of a lot better then she is. Even with all my issues, I have a beautiful man in my life, who is in a successful band with me, and who makes me so badly want to change into a stronger better person. He makes me not feel so bad about gaining a little weight for God’s sake haha But it’s not only him that makes me feel this way, though he may have put that positive bug in me, I think it’s also from the plain fact, that I am so tired of being sick and feeling so down and unhealthy. So it’s taking the steps to just get to a better place. 

You know how when you’re in bed and you have to get up to go to work and you really don’t want to? Well that’s how I feel all the time, with everything. Except I want to. I’m just really really exhausted from life..But we’ve made an album that is selling. It makes me feel stronger knowing that little fact. I have to keep reminding myself that I wrote those songs, and that without me, we wouldn’t have this awesome album. That may sound conceited, but you know what, for someone who for years was just hearing hateful words from others and herself, it’s nice to begin to hear nice things, as uncomfortable as they may be. 

Hit So Hard

I thought I had seen all the documentaries on the Grunge era and Nirvana, Hole, Courtney Love, Kurt Cobain, but this one had been hiding from me. 

What a wonderful story of strength. Patty talks about this life of hers that had all these challenges, but she made it out, alive and happy. Her story is definitely one to admire. Female drummer, Recovered alcoholic and  recovered drug addict, Lesbian, and just a lady with a great sense of humor.

I'm so glad I found this. Very inspiring stuff.